Further Insights into Death

In my first post I wrote about the death of my beloved grandmother. It struck me as a very important event in my life, so I began writing this blog. This afternoon another insight came to me after watching the movie 50/50 and then reading one of James Redfield's Celestine Prophecy books. I feel as if I am starting to understand for myself how death is an important part of life and how God's love can be seen and felt even in our saddest moments.

My mother often talks about a special connection she and I have. We will often just know when the other needs us. A song will come on that makes me think of her and seconds later I will get a text. That kind of shit happens all the time. It apparently also happened between my Mother and my Grandmother, and to some extent Grandma and I. When she died both my Mom and I were going through (are still going through perhaps...) times of great change. When a big change occurs it can sometimes feel like a death. The old way of life goes out the window and it's time to rebuild a new, hopefully better version of reality. The birth of a new life means dealing with the death of the old one. I think I've begun to recognize, for myself, what death in my life really means, thanks only to the passing on of my Grandmother. I hope that my Mom has experienced some of the same positive insights.

When I heard about her death I was just about to move home to Illinois, an action that a few months ago sounded absurd, and yet it suddenly became the "only thing to do." I felt a certainty in the decision, but also a deep rooted fear. What would I do there? How can I make my dreams a reality? These kinds of questions were/have been swirling in my head with increasing intensity. When she died that changed. I was suddenly caught off guard, the winds of my mind allowing my focus to stop blowing in the breeze like fall leaves and settle to the ground. I wasn't prepared for this. I had been so busy thinking about my own thoughts that I wasn't paying attention to the things actually existing around me. Her death, in its own bittersweet way, saved me from my fear. I worry just a little bit less than I used to, but when I do get stressed thoughts of her cross my mind. If there are such things as guardian angels I believe they work in a similar way. The old saying "God works in mysterious ways" keeps crossing my mind. Death can be a beautiful thing if we use it to remind us of the things that truly matter. I almost feel as if, when she died, all the wonderful love she had stored inside her was sent out into the universe. The love did not just evaporate but was intentionally directed towards her loved ones. I would like to think that I was one of the lucky recipients of some of her Love and its life-giving energy.